Funerals always bring out the worst in me. Every time I say, that’s the last time I go to one of those damn things I swear off of them. Then another person I cared about or knew dies and I am forced to recant my decision and go. And then for two weeks after I carry the guilt of death. As if I was the one who killed the person, or let them die without lifting a finger to help.

But this time it was my college roommate. We had kept close over the years and checked in with each other once a month since college, he would tell me his accomplishments and I would tell him mine. We vacationed together and met for coffee once a month. Looking back I could have made more time for him.

David was a good friend, and here comes the guilt. I should have.. I could have… all these things that reek of guilt tear me up inside and then I carry it with me for a lifetime. But my concern was for Davids wife. I had been his best man at the wedding and I knew her from school. She was the girl who turned David into a man, she made him a better man. Before she came along he was a skirt chaser, but something about her just changed him.

I was always invited to their holiday get togethers so it was really more than an hour on the phone once a month. There was the summers he invited me to spend the week with them in their beach house. Melanie, his wife of twenty years was going to really take his death hard and I wanted nothing more than to spend time with her and support her, but I figured her friends and family would be more than enough for her.

But I was wrong, because the only one she wanted to talk to was me. It was her that called me when he died. It was a heart attack that took him, and that was so out of left field. He was healthy, at least in my opinion, but the doctors just said he had a weak heart and the attack was too much to even attempt to resuscitate him.

When Melanie called me to tell me the news she asked if I could come over. I had no issues with that, he was my closest friend. They just don’t make friends like they use to. My other friends really didn’t care about my life, they just wanted to talk about what was going on in their life. I packed an overnight bag and drove twenty miles to Davids house. I remembered out times at Starbucks as David didn’t drink and he hated the bar scene. So we met at the coffee shop and talked for hours.

When I arrived at the house there were a few cars parked out front, I felt like I would be useless in the chaos of death. But I was surprised when Melanie met at the door and hugged me. “Finally someone I really want to talk too.” She whispered to me as I hugged her.

“David left you a few things, we can get to that when all these people leave, I really just want to be alone today but everyone has come by with a casserole. I have more food than I know what to do with.” Her face just lit up when I showed up.

I found an empty chair and sat down watching Melanie greet every person that came to the door and after five hours she was wiped out. I stood and said, “I think Melanie has had enough for one day, so if you guys can give her space.” Melanie agreed with me and we watched as friends and family left. I stood up to leave but she motioned for me to wait.

As the last of the people left she came over to the couch and told me that she was sorry, sorry that I had to ask people to leave, she just didn’t have it in her to push people out. I told it was only going to get worse.

She agreed and asked me if I could stay a few days and help her out. I said of course, she offered me the extra bedroom. I asked her why she wanted me out of all the people and she explained, “David had a lot of friends but you were his best friend. He always talked about you and all that you did for him. Besides you have always been family. We were the three musketeers.”

“David had a big heart; he gave so much and maybe that’s what finally got to him. But I wasn’t a good friend.”

“William, you were his closest friend. He loved you like a brother and he told me on his death bed that there was a few things he wanted you to have, he told me to lean on you because you would do anything to make me happy.”

“Don’t you need the will to give away his things.” She laughed through the tears. “He left you something in the will as well but he had a few things that he wanted you to have.”

I went into the kitchen and made a cup of tea for Melanie and then brought it to her.

“Why don’t you sip this and rest. Your going to need your strength for the next week or more. Death has a way of sucking people down into the black. And for people like me that hole just stays open sucking you down. Depression is like that and he knew how hard it was for me to go to funerals.”

“How is your depression right now?” She asked me.

“I took a couple of valium but this is one funeral I wouldn’t miss no matter what.”

“That’s why he loved you so much. He knew you would be my greatest help.” She said.

“Why don’t you go upstairs and take a nice bath and I’ll clean up down here. She agreed and headed upstairs.

I took to cleaning up and making room in her fridge for all the food. Some of it I tossed in the trash, the rest were labeled and stacked nicely in the fridge.

The next morning I awoke and found Melanie making breakfast. I asked her why she didn’t let me do that; she needed her rest.

“Its either fix breakfast or sit on the couch and cry. Do you remember the first time we met? She asked.

“Yeah, it was our junior year of college and I saw you and told him I called dibs on you. He laughed it off and said I didn’t have a chance with you. But he was the one who would and I was just glad you and he found love together.”

“He talked a lot about that and said that he always felt awful about sliding in and sweeping me off my feet. But you were always there for him. Once a month you met him for coffee and you were here for every family event, he said he needed you to save him from the relatives. And all the beach trips that you came too.”

“I guess what he really needed was an escape from life when we talked. He always told me he wasn’t enough man for you. He would say, Melanie is a hell of a wife, but I just cant do all that she wants.”

“He did everything I needed and more and it breaks my heart to think he thought that way.”

She sat down at the breakfast table and we enjoyed the pancakes and the fresh fruit tray from the fridge.

“I wish this visit was another one where we all three could sit down together and shoot the shit. He loved telling me all the places he wanted to take you. I told him that what he did was enough, he was only one man. He would laugh it off and talk about how bad you wanted children, but he just wasn’t ready.”

“Yeah he wanted a baby too, we talked about finally trying. But I’ll never have that.”  I didn’t know how to reply to that. I just drank my coffee and did what I could do, that was to listen.

We sat on the couch going through old pictures of all of us together and in my mind I wasn’t there enough for him but every picture I was there with the two people I loved more than any of my own family. I was family to them and all the pictures painted the picture of three friends together. Had I just thought I wasn’t enough because I wanted more? I could have been a better friend and I cried at that thought. Melanie held me as I cried.

We took turns getting out showers and preparing for the day after. More visitors and more casserole dishes. When Melanie had enough of the parade of family I pushed them all out and told them she just needed time to work through this.

The next day was the funeral and I stood beside Melanie and held her as they lowered his casket into the ground.

We went back to the house and more visitors came and again after a few hours I pushed them out. David’s family came and stayed for a few hours before heading home. When they were all gone Melanie and I sat on the couch and talked some more about the good old days when it was just us three. She said she called us the three musketeers. All those trips to the beach and I was right there trying not to be the third wheel on a two wheel vehicle. She said I was the glue in their marriage.

“How so?” I asked.

“We would fight and he would talk to you and then come in and win me back over. He said you gave him the right things to say and the right thing to do. I bet you never knew that.”

“I know I just had to remind him he won you and he had to work stronger at making you the top priority in life, more important he needed to put you before the job and way above the crap that drags people down. He always reminded me that he won you because I refused to play the game. He secretly wanted both of you to chase after me. But you were a gentleman and let him have me.”

“There was never a competition because I knew he was the best choice. He had a sparkle in his eyes when it came to you.”

“But in his eyes he thought you should have won me over, because he had such little faith in himself. He thought you were the better choice.”

“I never knew that.”

“It was like having two husbands with you two. You gave him all the right things to say and when he did something romantic, I knew it was because you told him too. All that love that came from him started with you. I was so happy that he had you.”

“I was lucky to have him and you. I loved you both, and my love for you will be the same as his, for as long as I live. I wont let you go through this alone.”

“Let me get the box he had me make for you.” I just said okay and waited on the couch. The house was haunted with his memories, every wall was lined with pictures of him and Melanie, pictures I took. She had it right, I was the romance that David brought to the table. I just imagined it was me and Melanie. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous. But in my heart I knew that he had been the best he could be because of my words.

After a big fight that they had he met me at the coffee shop and said he just didn’t know what more to do. I told him to go and buy an expensive piece of jewelry and a bouquet of roses. And then go home and admit that he was wrong and that she was right, even if she wasn’t. That always worked.

She brought out a box and sat it down on the couch.

“When we were in the hospital, he told me to put these things in a box and tell you that he wanted you to have all of them.” She said through the tears.

I opened the box and inside was a green Rolex box with his Rolex Submariner. “Did he really mean for me to have this?” I asked.

“Everything in the box.” I continued to look through the box, there were small things like his pocket knife and his Montegrappa fountain pen. He had her put in his lucky tie, the one he wore when the stakes were down and he needed a little good luck. There was a stack of pictures of all three of us exploring the world. All the cruises we went to and our pictures of us at the captain’s table.

I began to cry; Melanie just hugged me and told me that David loved me so much. I told it was a lot of personal stuff, and asked if she wanted me to have them. Then she pulled out the wedding band he wore with pride, “He said that it should have been you that married me, that you could have been a better choice. I took the ring and put it on my right hand. I slid it on my finger and looked up at Melanie and she said it was a good fit.

Later that day I packed my bags and loaded up the car. Melanie asked me to stay but I needed to get back to work. I told her I would check in every day and I would be back the next weekend to help around the house.

And for a year to the date of his death I took over all his chores and became Mr. Fixit. Melanie and I were already close, closer than friends, mainly because we both missed David so damn much. On the anniversary of his death we took my car to the cemetery and placed some flowers on his grave. She just hugged me and cried on my shoulder.

I couldn’t stand the thought of her being with anyone else, so I never said it was time to get out there and find someone she had a connection with, a person she shared things with. But that guy was me. I hated myself for thinking of having a life with her. It felt like betrayal but I knew that he wouldn’t have it be anyone but me that took his wife and made her happy.

Two years had passed and I basically lived at Melanies home, she kept the extra bedroom open for me and had me over every weekend. We watched movies and home movies.

“You know he would want you to move on. You know that right?” I said one night as we shared popcorn and watched the movie, Some Kind of Wonderful. It had been my favorite in high school and eventually it became all of our favorite movie. Melanie loved when I told her movie trivia while we watched the movie. Like how all the characters were named after Rolling Stones members and how the character Amanda Jones was a Stones song.

Over the two years Melanie and I got closer together and one of her friends asked her if she planned on moving our relationship to the next step. She told them she wouldn’t mind it and David would approve. She knew this because in his dying breath he told her to stick with me, that I would make a great husband. She never told me that.

I knew I was in love with her from the first time I met her but I let my best friend take my place. I was always happy with their love but secretly in love with her. Even when we were on vacation he shared her with me. She and I would go shopping while he sat on the beach and he never questioned our relationship. Secretly I think he thought we were sharing her. Never in an intimate sense but she and I were more friends than anything.

But over the last two years there had been a few times I felt like kissing her, but I thought how horrible of a friend I would be to take my best friends wife, but honestly I could not bear her with anyone else.

“You know how in the movie Some Kind of Wonderful, Watts secretly wants to be with Keith but she lets him go to Amanda Jones, but in the end he comes to his senses and runs back to Watts?” She asked.

“Yeah, I love that part.” I said.

She moved closer to me on the couch. “Well I feel that way a lot. I loved David but I always wanted for him to realize I was meant for you.”

“Melanie don’t….”

I knew what she was going to say.

“Its been two years and the only one who is still with me is you. I love you William. I always have. In fact I always thought I was cheating on you when I was with him. I want to make the right decision and you are the thing I want.”

“I want you too, but wouldn’t it be wrong of me sneaking in and taking you?” I said as she moved closer.

“The wrong thing would be for me to throw away any chance with you. You were the first one to see me, it should have been you all those years and David knew that. Why do you think he always came to you when he needed to make me happy. It was because he knew that we were meant to be together.”

She pulled closer and kissed me, I hesitated and then gave in and kissed her back. And on the couch I had sat on so many times with the two of them we made love for the first time ever.

She was in charge; I let her lead me in the direction to go. She wanted me and I wanted her, and the ghost of my best friend just sat in the chair cheering me on. I dove in and made the most passionate love I had ever had with a woman.

We fell asleep on the couch. Wrapped up in each other, our hearts entwined. An old quilt covering out bodies as our clothes were spread all over the floor.

The next morning she told me that she wasn’t sorry for last night, that it was what her heart wanted. I said I felt a little guilty, but that over all that nonsense, I loved her and wasn’t sorry for anything we did.

The next day I went to the jewelry store and bought her a beautiful ring and a bouquet of flowers. I took them to her at work and asked her to have lunch with me. She took her break and we headed to a little Chinese place down the street. It had been the first place we all three went way back when they first started dating.  I gave her the flowers and after she finished the meal I gave her the ring.

She looked at it. She wiped away the tears and smiled at me.

“Does this mean what I think it means.” She said.

“It means whatever you want it to mean, to me it means that I want to be with you forever, to you it might just be a beautiful diamond from a friend, but know that friend wants to be more than that.”

“You want to marry me?” She said.

“I have always wanted to marry you. So yeah it means that. I love you. I have always loved you.”

“Yes William I will be your bride. Its what David would want.

Its been ten years since we buried David and eight years since Melanie and I were married. Nobody questioned our relationship, they all said we made a good choice. I still wear Davids wedding band on my right hand and my wedding band to Melanie on my left. I will never forget him and we named our first son William David Ross. Some people said it was a little creepy to name our son after David but it was our way of keeping the third wheel alive. We had twin girls a year after little William came into the picture.

I had given her all my love for years and it was just natural that we would be together in the end.

I regret nothing.

I made a visit to his grave site alone and sat down in front of the grave stone.

“David, I hope you are happy where ever you are. I hope that you approve of me marrying your wife. I gave her what you couldn’t, but that’s not a bad thing. I know that she loved you more than anything but I didn’t want her with anyone else. I always loved her, but I loved you too and I wanted my best friend to have his happiness.”

I like to think that David was there and he was telling me that it was all okay and that he approved of our marriage. We kept his name alive with our son, and we would raise our family around the world that we three had built together.

Just like the tarot cards tell you death doesn’t mean death; it means the end to the old and a fresh start. That’s what we had, a fresh start on a new life. But in life we honor the dead.

I wouldn’t change a thing.